Tick.  Tick.  Tick.  Tick..

I passed the 100-follower mark on Twitter today.  To those of you reading this who have gazillions of followers: before you scoff and say “whoopdee-effingdoo,” please know that, based on nothing rational whatsoever, this is an important milestone for me.

So is the writing of this blog.  Although this blog has virtually nothing to do with my current or (most likely) future direction of my online identity, I somehow “know” that this is a positive step for me.  Yes, those who have the pleasure of living with me might say this is just another one of my varied excuses for avoiding doing laundry or some other domestic duty, but this is different somehow.  I am committed to this process.  And I’m getting “something” out of engaging in these activities.   What, exactly?  I don’t know..  But I do know there’s a method to the seeming madness.

Now, here’s what happens…  I’m going about my business and my life, and I’m enjoying just being in the process of exploration, because the process of exploration is the very work I need to be doing right now.  (Are you still with me?)

And this exploration process for me does include being mindful.  Being aware of what I’m doing and where I’m heading.

While these Twitter and blogging activities might, from the outside, seem like the mindless tapping of Pavlovian levers (in order to hit the Twitter motherlode of followers!), I’m not just going through this for the sake of going through this – just to feel some sort of pleasure.  I’m going through this IN THIS WAY because this is the way that I’m going to get where I want to go.

Now enter the naysayers, the doubters, the fear-mongers, the dream-dashers…  My family and friends.

I tell them what I’m doing and the steps I’m taking to develop a real foundation for my new business concept, as well as the developing concept of the “Real Me.”  I tell them about the profound shifts that have taken place in the way I think about my unique offering in the world (thank you for channeling MoneyMap, Alexis Neely!).  I tell them (very logically, I might add) about the concrete steps that I need to take in order to actualize my work.

And you know what they say to me?

They ask things like, “How are you monetizing this?” and “Don’t you think you should have something in place already?”  They say things like, “The program you’re doing sounds like an MLM” (to which I say WTF, but with the great, big words instead of the acronym), or “I don’t understand why you’re not making money by week 3,” or my favorite, “I can’t believe you think that being on Twitter is going to make you money.”

I explain my thoughts to them at this time.  I tell them I understand that Twitter itself won’t make me money.  I set forth my plan of concept, model, product, website, marketing.

But something about what I’m doing – and the way I’m doing it – brings up A LOT of “stuff” for them.  And because they “love me,” they now get to comment on how misguided I am, and how I’ve made mistakes in the past and, since they are successful because what happened to me in the past never happened to them, they KNOW what I need to do, and… it’s not what I’m doing.  I’m doing it wrong.

It gets ugly at this point for them.  They have not a clue how ugly it really is for them, because it’s still pretty much relegated to that very primitive reptilian part of my brain, but it’s very dark for them there.

I don’t get angry at them, though.  I try not to, anyway.  I know their reactions are really about them and not me.  I know they’re really not thinking I’m a very big A-hole (well, maybe for other things, but not this).

I understand their reaction because it’s the same thing that happens when my clients start changing through therapy.   Or when people start really losing weight.  Or when people are on the precipice of any kind of success.  This scares the eff out of the people who truly love them.

Because maybe if I change, they wonder.. even if it’s for the better, maybe I won’t need them anymore.  And though this does may seem to relate to their love for me, I know that it stems more from fear.

What if she doesn’t need me anymore?  What if she becomes so successful that she goes and finds someone “better” to be her friend, partner, lover?

So I let them know that I would much rather love and feel gratitude for them in my life – than need them.  Need is based on the fear of not having, the fear of loss.  The love and gratitude I’m talking about is based on.. well, exactly that!  Love and gratitude.

This is why this Twittering, blogging process I’m in is so important.  It’s helping to keep me mindful and aware of how I’m moving through this next stage of success in my life.  It’s also keeping me centered in truly becoming intimate with myself and, through this intimacy, become evermore grounded in the “Real Me.”

What all this centering and grounding and introspection and identity ultimately and practically will mean to the bottom-line of a business currently in its embryonic stages, I do not know.  All I know right now is that I love and feel grateful for this gathering-of-followers, tweeting-of-tweets, and writing-of-blogs.

One thing’s for sure.  My Twitter followers don’t need me to be mediocre.  In fact, they won’t follow me if I’m doing things half-assed.  They’re certainly not afraid of losing me…  They don’t need me.

Maybe that’s why that strike on the Twitter Ticker is so meaningful?  It means that I’m wanted.  And you gotta be doing something right for that to happen.

Bring on the Twitter motherlode!